EECOLOR

Sometimes I find life a bit more tough. At those times I have emotions that naturally feel on the uncomfortable side. It seems to me that these emotions are coming from not knowing what to do with my life.

I live in the west and have everything I want in the sense of material needs. This gives me the space to stand still and choose. And choices are endless in that position. On the grand scale of things I realise I am just a tiny being having a human experience. At the same time I am as special as the rest of you. When you have the choice and ability to do whatever you want within the boundaries of what is possible today, what will you do?

I often think about what I can add to help another being with the human experience. And usually I change this question into the following: What would I teach my kid if I had one? With this comes the feeling that I am pretending to be more than I actually am, but at the same time, I remember people that have added something to the understanding of humans today.

To come back to the original uncomfortable feeling I have at the moment. I know that whatever feeling comes, I can choose how to interpret it. Yet sometimes I have the wish to just pick something that would give me a feeling that is automatically interpreted by my brain as pleasant.

Life at times is a bit overwhelming and in a strange sense it gives me a feeling that I can best describe as being melancholous. This feeling gives me great conflict as I love the feeling, but at the same time it makes me sad. Besides that, it grips me, paralyzes me.

At times like this I don't know what to do with myself. I could cry, smile, dance and crawl up in a corner. I could give you all kinds of explainations of where this feeling comes from and why it is inevitable that I feel it. Yet that would not add anything to the story.

As you can see I am spinning round and round without going anywhere. It reminds me of a poem I once wrote:

"A little boy, insecure in that enormous world. He doesn't have a clue how he got there. All kinds of people that talk and do. The boy stands there in the crowd, he looks down, sad... It is so busy, where did the quietness go? It probable was not always like this. From all sides thoughts and impressions come in. What does he have to rely on, it's so much, it clouds. He wants to say something, but it's taking directly with the big stream, it's gone. A tear comes, over his cheek, feelings of lonelyness, lostness and insecurity. The tear rolls down his chin and falls down. Falls down. The tear reaches the ground, it's quiet, completely quiet... Surprised the boy looks up, a hand, with above it a face, a friendly smile. The boy reaches for the hand, a lovely piecefull and comforting feeling flows through him."